live, laugh, love.
the bathroom sink collapsed. coming home from the gym, late night—9ish on a thursday. tired but was quite in awe of the view, the image took awhile to register. the white washbasin flipped upside down, all the sinktop clutter is now floor clutter. i found that the cheap faux marble top was heavy like the real thing; the extended backsplash remained intact though. some glass shards from the diffuser scattered across the blue tiles, the blue bathroom smelt real good since.
around midnight, the rest of the backsplash crashed down on the kmart plastic shelf organiser, knocked down and cracked. more clutter. found some face mask that was never used.
it has been a couple of months now since i’ve started at this new job. a menial one just like the one before.
but i quite like menial jobs. i clock in, i clock out. that's it. it doesn't follow me home or stay on my mind except maybe the tetris effect of it all[and i do get them quite a bit, more amusing though than annoying].
what i really like about menial job though are the daydreams. the available recreational brain activity really works for me. i be pondering, planning, big big plans, big big dreams. the time goes by fast on the job. i like being in my head.
but the body is tired at the end of the day. my feet hurts from standing all day and i got no energy because i’m trying to lose some kilos.
so not a lot of forward momentum happening with all these ruminating, planning, taking over the world ideas. my drafts for somethings are out of control.
what are you coping from?
i think mine is my childhood. not necessarily because i had a bad one. i think i had a solid upbringing. i just wish i put a little bit more effort into everything. i wish that i learned earlier that fear is the mind killer.
i wish i livedfailed more. realising that at twentyfive, it feels like a blessing, and yet, i feel like that’s still a lot of life that i’ve missed.
so now there's been this tug and pull that i’ve been feeling about optimisation/productivity. i feel like i want a version of my life to live in this rigid, structured schedule. but at the same time, i just want a version where i just go with the flow, freedom of movement, no guardrails. idk. i think i’m starting to settle something in between, like living with a mantra or litany, northstar of sorts. i’m desperate for a purpose.
i think i want a religion.
it is lonesome here, most times—sometimes, but lonesome is just that, it’s sad, maybe even depressing, but it’s also calm and cozy, relaxing solitude, dare i say a bit exciting, like my own little secret. but not a realreal secret. the door is open for those who find it, it’s just me here. no pressure. no shame. no lies. just [packaged]honesty.
i like it here.